Vagina-Saxophone
by MarkSlayer
Summary: A short fanfic romance "sequel" to the Fargo fanfic that'd center on tying up loose ends, second chances and existentialism.


Sloan called it "Dilbert Heaven." Delaney found the name apt.

"Oh, hello Delaney, how have you been?"

Studies have found evidence that sociopaths have abnormally low heart rates compared to the average population and that their violent behavior might be curbable with stimulants.

Delaney put on smile, "I've been doing well, you?"

Delaney yearned for those stimulants.

"Good. Even the life of the Magical Girl I monitor has taken a turn for the better. Now she's rooming with a classy, older-sister type Magical Girl."

Delaney went from a life of constant stimulus to a prison of sedate white cubicles with nothing to do but interact with others and play voyeur to someone living a _far_ more interesting life than her.

"My girl just started fucking another Magical Girl."

How Delaney _envied_ her!

"...I-Is that so? Mine is still single but she just reestablish herself as a "streamer." Watching her work can actually be rather entertaining."

Yes, the _riveting_ experience of watching a girl on a computer screen who's watching another computer screen! Such moments filled Delaney with so much joy she could just _die;_ at least, she could if she weren't _already dead._

 _"Just_ recently, I actually managed to get out and help return Madoka to power."

What I wouldn't give to get out again. To fuck people. To fight monsters. To kill another girl and another dog. Anything more than this.

"Yeah, that came as quite the shock! You should be proud of yourself."

Delaney wondered if her knife worked in this place.

"I can't help but wish I hadn't come back..."

She didn't know how much longer she could contain the temptation to take it out and start stabbing and stabbing and STABBING UNTIL THE WALLS WERE PAINTED SOMETHING OTHER THAN DRAB WHITE!

Delaney instead opted to just cut off the girls response, "I-I've gotta go!"

Delaney ran to her cubicle, entered it, closed the door and screamed. Her physiological response was quick breaths in and out but, since there was no air, she settled for totally losing it and swiping everything off her desk. The girl she was assigned to watch was fucking her girlfriend. Pornography shouldn't make you feel mocked. Delaney sat down and settled her head on her desk. Time to take stock of her life.

"Mm. Mm. Mmmm!"

She hated her new life. It was driving her insane.

"Ah. Ahh. AH!"

Of course, making that assessment was easy, the question was what to do? There were basically only 2 choices: try to find a greater goal to live for or try to create a better life for herself.

"Ahh. Do it harder! AHH!"

As for the first, ostensibly, Delaney could try to go the Homura/Omaha route and amass enough power to create a more just universe but... no, fuck that. A universe that uses Magical Girls and sadness farming to stave off entropy-death is one that Delaney inherently found too stupid to give a shit about. If Delaney had learned such things during college she would've promptly stood up, slammed her hands down, yelled "THAT'S IT! THAT'S MY LAST FUCK!" and stormed out of the class.

"AH! That's it! Fuck!"

As for the second, well, Delaney used to believe in a God who judged her for her sins but recently learned that Madoka didn't judge anyone. That meant the regular route to a happy life was an option, but so was, you know, the serial killer route. Rationally, the first was preferable if only because it entailed less risk.

"Ah. Ahhh! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ravalli pulled her face from her girlfriend's thighs, took some time to watch her writhe and breath, moved forward, placed her hand on the other girl's cheek, kissed her and said "I love you Anna." Anna smiled, gently wrapped her arms around Ravalli's back and pulled her into another kiss. "I love you too Ravalli ."

Goddamnit, I can't even be angry at them without them making me feel stupid for it! Delaney decided to go see Sloan again.

...

Throughout much of her life - and especially at the end - Sloan thought she didn't give a shit. After, like, a day in Dilbert Heaven she found out she did _not_ not give a shit. In fact she did _not_ not give a shit _a lot_. Sloan couldn't stop regretting the fact that she killed Clair Ibsen. The reality that Kyubey basically orchestrated the entire affair only made things worse because it meant Clair didn't betray Sloan completely of her own free will. The final kicker was that, when she mentioned this to Delaney, Delaney said that she also suspected Clair harbored romantic feelings for Sloan.

Sloan was skeptical but Delaney reminded her that it was actually more likely than both Delaney and Erika falling for her at once. Delaney then teased Sloan by asking if she would've regretted missing a chance to be Clair's lover more than she regretted missing the chance to amend their friendship. Sloan had no answer at the time but, afterward, she couldn't stop remembering the moment when Clair explained, teary-eyed, that Sloan was her only friend and how much that meant to her. Sloan had to admit that, yeah, she kinda regretted not knowing whether she could've dated Clair. Thanks Delaney.

Then Delaney arrived and made the case they should try to convince Madoka to let them attempt to save Clair. Sloan didn't argue.

...

"Sloan and I want to visit Homura to try and get her to help us give Clair Ibsen a second chance with time magic. The 3 of us were instrumental to your return and we believe this is a perfect way for you to return the favor."

Madoka, "Uhh, I don't know if that's such a good id-

...

**Palo Alto – Homura and Omaha's house.

"Madoka seems like a bit of a pushover," said Sloan. "I _have_ heard she isn't very good at arguing," responded Delaney.

Sloan, "But man, Palo Alto: warm, sunny and upper class. Being here feels kinda ironic doesn't it?" Sloan and then Delaney shared a laugh. Delaney said, "Yeah, I suppose it does."

They approached the front door but before they could knock Homura opened it.

Pause.

Homura, "Well, what do you want?"

Homura had decided to try to start a normal life somewhere that Omaha could live happily and get a good education. She eventually opted for Palo Alto. Omaha herself actually seemed to be adjusting well. The same couldn't be said of Homura. Her job was a perfect fit for her but she wasn't exactly honing her social skills. She said she wanted to learn to live without Madoka, but Madoka was previously her _entire life_. Thus, she had trouble caring about anyone or anything other than Madoka. Madoka Madoka Madoka. Homura had even just spent the last few years acting as the keeper of the universe by necessity so that she could be Madoka's keeper by desire. In that time she both figuratively and literally did _everything_ for Madoka. Losing her was like losing both the light of her life and the star she revolved around.

Now she was a programmer.

The problem was that Homura's present and past states were symptomatic of PTSD. She tried solving it with hobbies but all superfluous thoughts eventually lead to Madoka. She _would_ try therapy but nothing and no one other than Omaha could truly relate. Of course, again, _Omaha was adapting well_. It made sense that a child would adapt better, just like it made sense that an adult shouldn't burden a child with adult problems. Ostensibly, she could try to cry it out herself but that would be dangerous. It might be possible for her to find hope in the idea of seeing Madoka again, but that'd defeat the idea of learning to live _without_ Madoka. Thus, she was a programmer. A programmer with PTSD, no friends and a tendency to escape her problems by working until she passed out.

Delaney cleared her throat, "We would like to try to use time travel to revive Clair Ibsen. We-"

Homura cut her off and said, "Alight, come in, sit wherever, I'll serve tea and we'll start when Omaha gets back," before walking inside.

Sloan and Delaney shared a look and stepped in.

Delaney laughed, "You know, I figured it would be harder to convince you. I had plenty of reasons lined up and everything."

Pause.

"Madoka brought you," Homura said. As though that were more than enough for both her answer and the reason to help them.

Delaney, "Heh, yeah. That you'd be effectively showing off to Madoka was actually one of them."

No response.

"This place is nice," Sloan said.

No response.

They reached the kitchen, sat down and Homura served tea.

Delaney, "So, I hope there's no hard feelings from the time we fought?"

Pause.

"No."

Sloan, "Uhh, Homura, are you okay?"

Homura looked through Sloan with deadened eyes and said, "I'm fine."

'Yeah, you're definitely not fine,' Sloan thought to herself.

Delaney continued, "So what have you been doing lately?"

Homura, "Programming."

Pause.

Sloan sighed, "Homura, you know, it's obvious that there's something off with you. Why don't you try talking about it?"

There was a pause so long that Sloan figured Homura might be using the silence as an answer before she said, "You wouldn't understand."

Delaney laughed, "Madoka was your life and now she's gone. It's not hard to understand."

Long pause, "That's a shallow understanding of something with oceans of depth."

Delaney smirked at her, "Then why don't you try to explain?"

Homura replied immediately, "She was my best friend. She saved my life multiple times. My wish was to save her. I spent roughly 8 years in the same looped month fighting for her. Watching friends die. Watching friends turn on me. Watching as I mentally aged until I couldn't relate to her anymore. I killed for her. I loved and still love her. In the end, all the effort I put into protecting her failed when she converted all the karma I had built up with her wish, transformed into a literal conceptual embodiment of my idealized views of her and poetically became completely unreachable to me. Then I was given a second chance to give her a happy life. And I failed again." By the time her speech was over Homura's head had sunk to the point that she was staring at the table.

After a pause so long Sloan figured she might've been finished Homura said, "Magical Girls see Madoka as lensed through my idealized views when I remade this universe so it's likely impossible for either of you to understand my feelings for Madoka as she actually is."

That last one took Sloan by surprise. It seemed like it might even be mostly true; though it certainly wasn't true for her.

After a while, Delaney laughed, "Your situation sorta reminds me of myself. I spent all my life wrapped around Kyubey's finger and can't quite seem to adapt now that I'm not there anymore. In fact, Madoka's afterlife is driving me psychotic... You know, I actually wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you. Without you, Kyubey wouldn't have created me. That was another reason I wanted to use to convince you to help us."

Homura actually felt many slight things in response to that. Anger over the idea of Delaney believing their lives were comparable. Disgust at the idea of being compared to "a spawn of the Incubators." Empathy for someone going through something somewhat similar. Happiness at the prospect of actually relating to someone. And fear at the prospect of opening up to a sadistic, sociopathic Incubator ally. She went with the more logical response.

"Your beliefs regarding your origins aren't apt: you exist rather solely because of the Incubators. If not for their previous failed plan to subvert Madoka, I never would have ascended and, subsequently, you never would have existed. If not for their contracts, Madoka wouldn't have ascended either."

Delaney shrugged, "I figured you'd say something like that but thought it was worth a shot."

Delaney put an elbow on the table, placed her chin on her palm, looked at Homura, smiled and said, "You know, to be honest, I rather like you better than Madoka. If I knew then what I know now, I might've served you as a fallen angel." Delaney winked at Homura.

Homura stared at her with deadened eyes. Delaney Pollack was flirting with her. She felt disgusted and yet intrigued.

Still. Homura, "I know what type of person you are." Then she looked at Sloan. "Had you ever stopped to consider the possibility that Delaney is just using this excursion as an excuse to enjoy murdering you? Or Clair? Or both you and Clair?"

Sloan froze in the middle of raising her teacup, eyes widened. She recovered before saying, "Well, yeah, she did warn me of something like that."

Delaney, "I would prefer to try my best to find peace and satisfaction through love and romance before I give up and acknowledge I'm nothing more than a monster." Delaney sniggered, "Sure you wouldn't be interested at that prospect Miss ObviouslyDeadInside?"

Homura gave Delaney a smirk, "Dead inside huh?"

Homura abruptly stood up, announcement that Omaha had arrived, walked to the front door, opened it, crouched, hugged Omaha and said "Welcome home." Omaha responded by saying, "Eheh, I'm home" and returned the hug. Delaney couldn't help but think, 'Aww! How cute!' She even saw a small smile on Sloan's face.

Sloan saw the hug but also saw that all the dolls carrying school supplies. Sloan wondered if Homura was letting them interact with regular people.

Omaha's face soured when she noticed Delaney watching them from the kitchen, "Ahh, Pollack is here."

Homura released Omaha, gave her a gentle smile and said aloud, "That's right, but I obviously can't let her stay around for too long."

Delaney understood and accepted the implication. She couldn't blame Homura for being protective.

...

**Inside Omaha's void, connected to Clair's room right before Sloan storms in.

"Delaney can link me and Homura with blood. After Clair drops her act to reveal she's grabbed my Soul Gem, Homura will enter and stop time. Then I'll enter and grab Clair."

"That's... surprisingly intelligent coming from you," said Delaney. "Eat my ass," responded Sloan. Sloan, "Everyone ready?"

Sloan received affirmations.

They watched:

"People find strength in the strangest things," ... "A single friendship means so much to one who has little. That could be considered true for both of us, do you not agree?"

"It is very important you understand," says Clair, "How much you mean to me. Nobody else has ever meant anything to me. Not my parents or my sister or anyone at school. All of them, no matter what accolades they bestow upon me, no matter how they compliment me or praise me, they know I am something other. Foreign. A cuckoo bird, not solely in the nest of my home but in the nest of humanity. They praise me, I believe, in part because they are afraid of me. You have seen the Twilight Zone, yes?"

"To them, I am the child who will spirit them to the cornfield if they do not behave. To them, I am the one who doesn't like dogs. To them, I am the one who transforms them into jack-a-boxes. My precociousness terrifies them, and terrifies them especially because they have no true reason to be terrified of it."

"You have never treated me that way. You have never praised me or complimented me, truthfully. Part of that is your general lack of tact, but part also is because you don't feel necessary to place me away from yourself, far and distant even if that distance is above you. You can stand on the same terrain as me and vent to me about your problems and your sister. Again, part of that is your own desperation to vent to someone, but part of it is because you truly feel comfortable around me. You're truly willing to do something nobody else has ever done: get close to me."

Sloan didn't remember this monologue taking so long the first time.

Her red eyes waver slightly off-center, not quite looking at Sloan's face. They glisten with emotion, if not real tears. Sloan gapes at her.

"I was." Clair's voice halts. "I was so alone. So alone for so long... Until you came close to me."

A real tear dribbles down her face.

"It's. Important you know this. Know what you really mean to me, Sloan. I know you hate me now." She wipes an eye. "I know you hate me more than anything, but I have always. Always... even when you were gone... Always kept you somewhere in my mind to think about and. Remember. And I... always will."

She squeezes her eyes shut and suddenly flings both arms around Sloan, actually touching her, the skin of Clair's hands against the jacket on Sloan's shoulders.

"This sacrifice. I have to make. Pains me more. So much more." A sob catches in her throat. "Because I know. If you were. Like all the others. If you stayed away."

Her hand grasp the Soul Gem at Sloan's stomach.

"If you stayed away. They were right. They were right to stay away. Because they knew..."

Clair's hand tightens. Sloan winces.

"They knew what I was from the very start."

Sloan, "Okay, _now."_

Homura enters and stops time. Sloan steps out of the portal, lightly pushes Clair onto her bed, mounts her stomach, grabbed her wrists and stared down into her eyes.

Delaney, "Woooo!"

"Homura abdicated and was supplanted by Madoka." Clair's eyes widen. "I ended up regretting killing you, so I came back to offer you a second chance at friendship and-" Sloan closes her eyes, noses a breath, opens her eyes, releases one of Clair's wrists, touches Clair's cheek and says, "and if you want, a romantic relationship." Clair blushes profusely for several seconds before finally saying, "Okay." Sloan leans down and kisses her.

Delaney managed to say through her shock, "Holy shit! She actually can be romantic if she tries!"

Omaha held her hands over her mouth and muttered, "W-Wow."

Homura felt and said nothing.

...

**Sometime. Someplace.

Delaney, "I'd like to join your relationship."

Sloan, "...What?"

Delaney, "Why not? Isn't 2 girls better than 1?"

Sloan, "...Didn't you say you and Clair were likely sisters?"

Delaney, "Ain't it kinky?"

Sloan palms her face, "Clair, don't you have anything to say here?"

Clair, "Delaney preemptively informed me of this so I had proper time to consider. Because Delaney and I can relate and connect with each other, and because that is so rare, I am okay with the prospect."

Sloan sighed and thought, 'I bet this is going to end _so badly_.'

[Author's Note: Some of you may be wondering about all the _other_ characters who died, or w/e, and the non-answer is that I'm too fucking lazy to write that shit.]


End file.
